Wizard101 Crack humor one-shots Commons
by The Dimenssionalist
Summary: A series of hilarious one-shots in the commons with Esmee Dragonbreathe. No real adventure/romance/angst or even plot! nothing but good ol' humor!


A/N: Wazzup people! I'm taking a break from writing fics about understanding magic and the spiral and whatnot to focus on my favorite types of fanfics: humor! These fics are gonna help add more variety to this fandom (380 fics of romance/adventure/tragedy) as well as satisfy my own need for randomness. Each chapter will basically be a one-shot but each area and character(s) will have their own fic. For example this one is about Esmee Dragonbreathe and her hilarious scenarios in the commons sections. With this A/N coming to an end, I'd like all of you reading to tell me if it's funny or not and what I could do to improve it. I know parents and motivational speakers will say things like "it doesn't matter if other people think it's funny so long as you think it's funny", but what the point of that? So without further ado:

Needless to say I don't own wizard101, but if I did it'd be called wizard102 because 2 is funnier that 1.

WIZARD101 CRACK FICS – COMMONS

_With persistence, victory is assured…_

Our story begins in the commons area. Commons because it's where everyone needs to go to get pretty much anywhere. The sky was clear and blue, the birds were chirping and the magical pond was being gently blow by-

"CAN YOU PEOPLE MOVE ANY SLOWER!?"

Esmee Dragonbreathe had just gotten out of Ravenwood and now only had hour long break to get something to eat and make it back to Ravenwood on time for her next class. Her test to graduate magus Thaumaturgy was _next month_ and she couldn't waste her time being held up in traffic jam. Besides if there's one thing Ms. Greyrose hated above all else, it's tardiness. Someone coming in late may as well not show up at all. It could turn that sweet old lady into a viscous monster who would demonstrate exactly what the student missed while he or her where away. Normally in the most painful way possible. Esmee had seen it too many times to have it happen to her, and her perfect attendance would not be ruined by traffic.

"IF YOU IDIOTS DON'T MOVE I'LL SICK KARMA ON ALL OF YOU!"

What was it Lydia Greyrose always told her students? With persistence, victory is assured? Well she never met Esmee's traffic trump card Karma. Karma was a lean yet powerful black panther that had served as Esmee's loyal mount for the past few months. It was great for getting anywhere on time and moving crowds. In fact it was so good, it gained a reputation across Wizard City and most people were smart enough to run away whenever they heard that name. _Most _people…

"Hmph!" Smirked Esmee. "That's much better! Okay Karma, we should have enough time to grab a quick bite at that new restaurant in the pet pavilion."

Esmee began riding her way past prospector Zeke's and Eloise's mount and clothing stand when Karma came to a screeching halt.

"What is it girl?" asked Esmee.

The black panther nudged her head towards the wizard who had ran in front of them (that Esmee somehow failed to notice…)

"What do you want?" demanded Esmee. She wasn't normally a rude person but she was pressed for time and hated distractions.

"Can you buy me a mount like that one?" he asked.

_Oh Mother Raven no. _Thought Esmee. _A beggar! Don't worry Esmee, maybe he's not too bad. Maybe if you say no he'll walk away with respect for your decision._

Yeah right. And maybe Kingsisle will give everyone a million crowns and free membership for life. Not in my story Esmee, not in my story.

"Listen kid, it's obvious from your robe that you've just enrolled in Ravenwood. You don't need anything expensive like a mount. So no I will not buy you anything."

Esmee began riding off again since the kid didn't seem to be pressing the matter. She still had enough time to get a quick slice of pizza and make it in time for class. Hehehe I would never make it _that_ easy.

Karma once again came to a sudden stop when the clearly deranged kid jumped in front of her mount.

"ARE YOU NUTS!?" yelled Esmee. Karma was trained to stop running the moment a hazard appeared, training that clearly worked, but Esmee was beginning to wonder if she should just let her mount tramped people.

"Don't be a jerk! Just buy me something!" whined the annoyance.

_Of course he'd come back. _Thought Esmee. _There's no such thing as a respectful beggar. I have to find some way to get rid of him!_

"Dude I already said no! And while I'm mildly impressed that you were willing to jump in front of a panther just so I'd give you money doesn't mean I'll change my mind! Besides I don't have enough money to buy you something even if I wanted to."

She wasn't lying. All the money she had were her student funds, which barely provided her with food and clothing. She had been working three times as hard so she could afford to buy Karma and now she was flat-broke. Minus the student funds of course.

"Stop lying!" Yelled the noo- _novice_. "If you could afford that, then your obviously rich and have tons of gold! Just use some of it to buy me something! It's not gonna matter!"

Now Esmee was getting ticked. Not only was she running out of time, but now this punk was accusing her of being rich, a liar and a jerk, on top of not leaving her alone by continuously begging her for her to use her money to buy him something, while acting as if her money didn't even matter.

"_Remember class," _Esmee remembered Ms. Greyrose's famous advice. The advice that Esmee had taken to heart the first time she heard it. _"With persistence, victory is assured!"_

"Well then if it's not gonna matter then why don't you just buy it yourself! Huh?" retorted Esmee. She was about to have Karma jump over this creep when another voice came and worsened the whole situation.

"We aren't all rich like you!" a different wizard who, judging by his clothing, was probably of the myth school, walked in on their conversation/argument/annoying novice begging. "I've seen your gear in the shopping district and it's quite expensive. Including the previously mentioned panther, (how long was this guy listening?) I'd say you must be pretty wealthy. Why don't you grow a heart and buy him something?"

_Crap, this is escalating quickly. _Thought Esmee.

"I'll have you know that this gear was a gift from my parents! They bought it for me when I told them I made Magus status. I could never afford this on my own! And also, where did you come from? Where do you get off telling people what to do? Especially when it's a person YOU'VE NEVER MET BEFORE!"

"Well we don't all have rich parents who'll buy us whatever we want!" yelled the novice. "I bet you're just a spoiled brat who gets whatever she wants just by asking!"

Esmee was almost at the point of pulling her hair out (something she would normally never do as she loves her hair more than she loves most people in the spiral). There was a random Myth wizard who probably thought he was a hero trying to help this poor innocent novice. Then there was the novice himself who couldn't seem to grasp the irony in his own words.

Esmee looked at her watch wondering how much time she lost talking to the idiots when her face began to look like the very time it was indicating, which is to say the second hand was on 4, the minute hand was on 7 and the hour hand was on- oh god this description is terrible. She was frowning okay? She barely had enough time to make it to class before the late bell. And she _would not_ be late.

"You know what? Take mine if you want one so badly!" Esmee got off her beloved panther and handed the reins to the novice.

"Yes!" exclaimed the novice. He quickly jumped on the mount with no care for the discomfort of Karma, or the fact that he had separated it from its previous owner.

Esmee sighed and gave Karma one last hug. "I'm gonna miss you girl. But trust me, you'll be much happier with him."

"Hey no take-backs! Get off my mount!" yelled the novice. He clearly had no riding experience what so ever so Karma refused to go anywhere to matter how hard he yanked the reins. "You're my mount now so let's go!

Karma simple huffed something in pantherese that probably translates in English to- "you don't have enough badges to train me"

Esmee took a few steps back before she took out something she _didn't _give the beggar: the attack whistle.

_Vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!_

Karma heard the whistle*, looked at her former owner and grinned (if panthers can do that). She flipped the novice off her back and proceeded to show him the order of the fang, tooth and claw! Oh god that joke was a terrible as the face description. All puns aside, Karma mauled him to near death.

"Heheheh." Chuckled Esmee, the evil genius. "Yep, Karma, you'll be much happier with him."

Esmee began to run to class. The path was pretty much clear of traffic since everyone gathered to see a kid get attacked by a panther so she had just enough time to make it to class.

_With persistence, victory is assured. _

_Maybe_, though Esmee. _But I'm not entirely sure who won._

She decided to take one last look at her former mount and the poor beggar who was getting destroyed by it.

_I think the winner is Karma._

What's this? Did I actually pull off a perfect conclusion? That's incredible! Remember kids, Karma comes in all forms. Occasionally, in the form of a panther who straight out _tells _you it's karma. Oh you thought that karma was just a name? Nope, it was a clever metaphor that I must pat myself on the back for thinking of.

*can panthers do that or is it only dogs?

A/N: Hope you enjoyed. Please tell me how this can be improved if it needs improvement. Personally I don't think it was funny enough, but that's my opinion. Let's look at the bright side and annoying beggar got mauled by a panther. And isn't that the true meaning of Christmas? Seeing as its pretty early in the day at the time of this writing, I'm gonna see if I can't squeeze in another humor story. Cya then!


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